It’s the opening weekend of the AUDL! For yet another year, we’ll embark on a journey of inevitably lackluster validation from the sports world, while simultaneously seeing how many arguments we can make against our best hope at a bright future, the AUDL. I personally like the pro leagues. Whats wrong with taking the guys that i’ve seen time and time again guzzle down a frisbee full of beer, and paying them something in between the federal minimum wage and whatever Bamasecs makes off their Google adverts? Nothing. Nothings wrong with that.
What is wrong however, is that there isn’t yet an avenue for debate about how weird/awesome some of our mascots are. Until today.
Announcing: THE FIRST ANNUAL ONE TIME ONLY CLICKBAITORAMA BRACKET OF AUDL MASCOTS: TO THE DEATH EDITION.
Here’s the idea. Who would win in a fight, Zapdos A Thunderbird or Beast from X-men A Cascade? (Dumb copyright infringements…) These are backyard, WWE style, death matches. Only one rule: no touching of the hair or face.
Here’s your left side of the 32 team bracket: Meaning you’ve got 8 match-ups to choose from. Let’s do this.
Matchup 1: Pittsburg Thunderbirds vs. Minnesota Wind Chill
Let’s be honest here guys, it’s a Zapdos. And what does a Zapdos do? Zapdos flies. Depending on the moveset of a particular trainer, Zapdos might even know the move sky attack. That means it uses wind to its advantage. And even if it didn’t, Minnesota could be playing the Topeka Kansas Garden Gnomes and there would still be a pretty clear cut winner here. Don’t let me down Floppy Nation.
Matchup 2: Salt Lake Lions vs San Diego Growlers
Lions and fierce canines have long been enemies, ever since the blockbuster flop film Lion King first aired in 1993. Lion’s have the slight edge here, but just like our pal Mufasa, the Salt Lake Lions are lying dead in a gorge somewhere in the African savannah.
Matchup 3: Raleigh Flyers vs. LA Aviators
Let’s look at the facts. The Raleigh men Fly. The LA boys aviate. How very, Los Angeles, of them. Next thing you know they’ll be starring in a black and white film about a Saudi Arabian vampire who overcomes an insurmountable obstacle only to discover he’s happily vegan.
Matchup 4: San Francisco Flamethrowers vs Seattle Cascades
This is a bit of an ethical dilemma. Do we pretend that Seattle has a mascot that’s basically a waterfall, even though they have a giant blue monster in their Logo? I’ll let you decide. And to that point, if the San Francisco mascot really is just a Flamethrower, who’s going to operate it? X-Men’s Beast is a congressman at this point for gods sake. He’s not going to be beaten by a Flamethrower with no operator. Then again, Seattle could just be a small fountain . . .
Matchup 5: DC Scandal vs Madison Radicals
Welcome to the #equality section of this post. This is quite an interesting matchup. Here’s what we’re looking at. Guy Faux is a Radical, Monica Lewinsky is a Scandal. Lewinsky did some serious damage in her hay-day.
Matchup 6: Chicago Wildfire vs DC Breeze
Allow me to prove that I know the average age of my audience by relating this matchup to Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender. The fact is that Fire is better than Air. The only reason Aang ever won anything was because he was the Avatar, the master of all four elements. Then again, unlike the Breeze, Aang lacked veteran experience. Woah there, almost thought we were talking about Ultimate for a second. The reality is that we all lost when M. Night Shyamalan got the rights to make the live action movie.
Matchup 7: Connecticut Constitution vs Montreal Royal
This one’s for America boys. I’m asking, no pleading, for an upset here. Let me set the stage. In 1776 George Washington rode a Bald Eagle bareback into the London headquarters of the bad guy from the Patriot. He swooped down on Geoffrey the Eagle to the cries of Queen Cumberbatch. She cried “Why have you come!?,” to which he replied: “FREEDOM.” And with the last black arrow of the wind lance he pierced the hide of Queen Cumberbatch, and freed the world from all tyranny. Without the Constitution, George Washington is just some guy that ended up on the money. But instead, he is forever known as the rider of Geofrey Queenslayer: The Largest Bald Eagle of the modern age.
Matchup 8: Detroit Mechanix vs Jacksonville Cannons
Ah yes. The Frankenstein’s monster scenario. These cannons were born at the hand of the Mechanix, and yet here they stand. Poised to destroy their creator. The Mechanix only shot at survival is a merger here. Together, they can create an optimus-prime like machine that could be a big sleeper in this years bracket.
So that’s it my Floppy Folks, now we wait. To be fair, i’m going to wait until at least three people vote on each of these. That way Jeff Snader can’t come in and rig the game for the rest of you fine people. And hey, with enough responses maybe i’ll do an AMA.
Stay Classy,
FD
Floppy Disc 